personal blog
Show yourself compassion.
Accept your flaws and all.
Shower yourself with praises.
Highlight your gifts and strengths.
Allow yourself to make mistakes.
Make room for grace and love.
Speak truth over the lies you tell yourself.
Speak life into your life.
Be your own supporter, encourager, and friend.
You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.
– Song of Solomon 4:7
We try to plan out how our lives are going to unfold, but who’s to say that what we imagine for ourselves is really going to come to fruition or is even supposed to come into fruition? How much of what we want for our lives is meant for us to have?
What all would I even write if I could write my story? What would I jot down if I could script out my future? Would I write enough? Would I write too much? Would I allow myself to dream as I write and pray that my dreams are manifested into reality? Or would I allow fear and doubt to take control of the pen and subconsciously dismiss and demote my future, or even worse refuse to write at all?
An open book full of empty pages could be so exciting – all the endless possibilities, and yet, at the same time, an open book full of empty pages could be so scary…all the endless possibilities.
Unlike a novel, we can’t jump to the end of our life’s story when we’re anxious to see how things turn out. We’re forced to experience each page, whether we’re enjoying the plot or not. However, I’ve been trying to find peace in the unknown and aim to live in the excitement of the journey.
Though I may have a hand in the writing process, I find comfort in having God as the ultimate author and finisher of my book. He knows how my story started and how my story will conclude. He knows of each supporting character, those who will come and go and those who will last to the very end. He knows of the drama, the tragedy, the action, the romance, the comedy, and the inspiration that make up every good story and how to navigate me through it as the main character. I trust in His process, knowing that all things will work together for my good.
I pray that my story is one of purpose, one that inspires and motivates, one that brings joy and release, one that leaves a legacy to be passed on to future generations…and I have faith that it can be, and it will be…though the rest is still unwritten.
looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith,
who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
– Hebrews 12:2
Suffocating on life…Oh, how hard it is to breathe.
Losing air by the second…No need to worry, this is just the normal routine.
We’ll survive and make it through. Keep masking everything with a smile.
Is it really not that obvious that you’ve been dead for a while?
It’s about time you reclaim your life and actually start living.
Immerse yourself in positivity and the blessings you’ve been given.
Unpack what’s been holding you back and set yourself free.
Live in your truth. Be everything you were created to be.
Know that the journey continues, and you don’t have to feel defeated.
Put your faith, trust, and hope in the Lord because it’s your winning season.
For I know the plans I have for you,”
declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.
– Jeremiah 29:11
It’s crazy to think about how many people die with their dreams. So many people leave this earth without sharing their gifts. So many people depart without telling a single soul their hearts’ ambitions and desires. One of my biggest fears is that that’s how I will end up – dying together with my many dreams.
People die at all ages, but it’s often especially devastating when a young person passes away. You often hear things like: “He had so much life ahead of him; he barely got a chance to live.” or “She had so much potential and so many plans.” In actuality, these statements could be made about “older” people who pass away as well. A lot of people die with their potential and take all the “plans” they wanted to accomplish on Earth with them, partly because of fear and also because many of us spend the time we do have here barely living, as if we have all the time in the world to start or as if we are already dead.
I’ve realized that if we’re not careful, our sweet dreams can easily become our beautiful nightmares. When the dreams that we spend hours upon hours fantasizing about start to seem as though they will only ever be just dreams and fantasies, those dreams can slowly start to become torturous. The reality of this beautiful nightmare is why I have to constantly remind myself to protect my mindset and strive to combat fear with faith and action. I know that I need to allow my aspirations to be sources of motivation and encouragement; however, I frequently find myself becoming deterred and discouraged when I think about my many dreams and how impossible they sound. But I have to believe that my dreams and passions have been laid on my heart for a reason, no matter how unrealistic or unattainable they may seem. And I can’t just believe, I have to also do. “For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also (James 2:26).” I have to persistently take steps towards my dreams, no matter how small those steps may be. And when I don’t see results right away, I have to muster up the faith and strength to persevere.
What’s impossible for someone else can be possible for me. The amazing fairy-tales in my head can in time become my amazing reality.
Then the Lord answered me and said:
“Write the vision
And make it plain on tablets,
That he may run who reads it.
For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
Because it will surely come,
It will not tarry.”
– Habakkuk 2:2-3
I’m getting ready to shed the skin that has been encasing a fearful soul.
I’m getting ready to awaken the dormant spirit that has left me numb and dull.
I’m getting ready to accept imperfection and drown every debilitating fear.
I’m getting ready to allow for every therapeutic tear.
I’m getting ready to breathe for the very first time.
I’m getting ready to experience what happens when faith and action combine.
I’m getting ready to uncover what has been kept hidden.
I’m getting ready to invest in every gift I have been given.
I’m getting ready to evict the lies that have made homes in my head.
I’m getting ready to be shocked by all that lies ahead.
I’m getting ready to reap the fruit of life that hangs from sacred trees.
I’m getting ready to make the most of each moment and embrace more opportunities.
I’m getting ready to strengthen and use my voice.
I’m getting ready to love, because there is no other choice.
I’m getting ready to live – live bold and free.
I’m getting ready to live authentically me.
I’m getting ready to strive and find ways to soar.
I’m getting ready to carry out what I’ve been created for.
However, as it is written:
“No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him”—
– 1 Corinthians 2:9
For my birthday last week, I treated myself to my first ever solo trip! I went to Playa del Carmen, Mexico and spent about five days on a resort there. I ended up meeting a lot of nice people and got to do some fun activities for the first time like parasailing, jet-skiing, and zumba on the beach. I would wake up each morning feeling so blessed to be in such a beautiful, relaxing, and peaceful environment. I thoroughly enjoyed being on my own, doing whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. Nevertheless, throughout the trip, I was struck with a few realizations.
I realized that as I’ve gotten older, I may have gotten a little too accustomed to being alone. Don’t get me wrong, I think alone time is wonderful and necessary; however, I think that I’ve spent so much of my life isolating myself and basically living in my own world, that I’ve become too comfortable with solitude – to the point where it is and has been detrimental to my well-being.
Life is not meant to be lived alone. We’re not meant to experience the joys and sorrows of life by ourselves. We’re meant to interact with each other and be there for one another. We’re meant to celebrate with each other in times of triumph and lift each other up in times of tragedy. We’re meant to exchange ideas and opinions with one another and learn from each other. We’re meant to embrace the unconditional love God has for us and extend that to anyone and everyone we can. All this being said, and believing every word of it, I still find it difficult to allow myself to open up to others and let people in. I let the fear of people knowing my feelings, thoughts, dreams and aspirations drive me into an existence of lonesomeness and isolation. But I’ve realized that I can’t continue to let that fear keep me from making connections and building and strengthening relationships. What’s the worse that can happen? Being vulnerable will not kill me.
Another realization I had while on my trip was that I need to appreciate and celebrate my birthday more. As a child, I used to get really excited for each of my birthdays. I think that excitement stemmed from my dad’s enthusiasm when it came to birthdays, holidays, and celebrations in general. But I think as I got older and as life began to change and evolve (for instance, my dad traveling and living in Nigeria for periods of time and then later passing), the approaching of each birthday became less and less of a big deal to me. But birthdays are a big deal and they should be celebrated. The fact that you are being blessed with another year of life is something to rejoice about!
Birthdays are not just an indicator of getting older; they are a symbol of the possibility of continued growth, hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Not everyone makes it to their next birthday; and if you do, you should hold on to the hope that no matter how good or bad the previous year of your life was, this next one has the potential to be better. Birthdays are a time to reflect on God’s love and God’s love specifically for you. How amazing is it that He found it necessary to keep you? What incredible plans does He have for you? What wonderful goal does He want you to accomplish? Who’s life does He want you to touch? Who’s life does He want you to save?
You were born for a reason and you are still alive for a reason! Hold on to hope and hold on to faith, even if the rest of you has died!
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of first fruits of all he created.
– James 1:17-18
Is it alright to feel like you’re living in a shell of yourself?
Is it okay to feel like your place in the world is becoming more and more insignificant?
It’s like my self-esteem is completely shattered. And even though I continually try to search for the pieces and put them back together, it seems as though there will always be parts missing and fragile cracks will forever be present.
Maybe the issue is that my self-esteem was never really “whole.” It’s very hard to pretend like you’re okay on the outside, when on the inside you feel like you’re suffocating. However, confusingly enough, sometimes it’s easier just to fake it. I can’t remember a time when I ever felt truly “alright.” Since childhood, I have let traumatic past experiences break my self-esteem to the point where it negatively impacts my present and seeps into my future. But I know that I can’t continue to let my past have such a negative hold on my life. I have to learn how to love myself, even with the missing pieces and visible cracks. I have to figure out how to truly be “alright.”
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.
– Isaiah 43:18-19
God, thank you for your wisdom; thank you for your Spirit. Lord, help me to live a life that is pleasing to you. Let me be a true representation of a child of The Most High, Our Father, My Father. I want to live and walk in wisdom, along paths you have created and have desired that I venture on. Let my words, my thoughts, my actions, and my dreams be aligned and pleasing to You. Help me to be cautious and not foolish. Help me to understand You more and more, and understand Your will for my life.
Fill me up Lord, until I overflow; I want to run over. Fill me with Your Spirit and remove anything and everything in me that will get in the way of that. I want to know You more. I want to feel You more. Help me to be strong enough in You that I’m able to fearlessly make the most of every opportunity to spread Your word, message, grace, love, forgiveness, favor, acceptance, and so much more to anyone and everyone I encounter. This world and this flesh is filled with so much evil; help me to combat that in whichever way You desire me to. I want to be a source of light in the darkness. I want to be a light that leads others to The Light that shines brighter than all – The Eternal Light.
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love.
– Ephesians 3:16-17
Trying to live is exhausting sometimes…to be honest, a lot of times. And I hate that I have to “try” to live, but that’s exactly what it feels like I’m doing. Living doesn’t feel natural or effortless. It feels like I have to exert so much energy just “to live” that I end up feeling like I’m dying. I’m really not living at all; I’m just existing. Day after day goes by and I feel like each day has been wasted. I wonder what was the point of waking up that morning and existing in a world that I don’t even really feel a part of.
On a regular basis, questions race through my head like: “What did I do today that had any meaning?” “What steps did I make today towards living out my purpose?” “Do I even know what my purpose is?” “Do I even have a purpose?” And my spirit is further disturbed with crazy thoughts like: “God has to be disappointed with me.” “God can’t keep forgiving me.” “I don’t deserve God’s love.” And I said “crazy” thoughts, because I know deep down inside God doesn’t view me in the negative way I view myself. I know that God loves me even when I find it hard to love myself. I know that as long as I repent, God will continually forgive. I know that I have a purpose. I know that my life has meaning. I know all these things because it’s all written in His word, and His word is the truth. I just have to allow myself to wholeheartedly accept it all – His word, His love, His forgiveness, His purpose for my life.
I’ve come to the point where I’m simply just tired. I’m tired spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I’m tired of just merely existing; I want to live and live freely and authentically. And I know that there’s a lot of “stuff” I have to deal with in order to achieve that authentic freedom.
Since I was a child, I’ve always been known to be quiet and would never really talk; but, when I was little, I discovered that I could have a voice through writing. As I share my thoughts, feelings, and experiences on this blog for anyone and everyone to read all about it, I hope that I begin to find and strengthen my voice and myself. For pretty much as long as I can remember, I have let my past and just the different circumstances of life silence me and keep me from truly living. I’m praying that this blog will serve as a source of healing and breakthrough not only for me but for anyone else who may come across it.
The word of the Lord came to me, saying,
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
– Jeremiah 1:4-5