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Trying to live is exhausting sometimes…to be honest, a lot of times. And I hate that I have to “try” to live, but that’s exactly what it feels like I’m doing. Living doesn’t feel natural or effortless. It feels like I have to exert so much energy just “to live” that I end up feeling like I’m dying. I’m really not living at all; I’m just existing. Day after day goes by and I feel like each day has been wasted. I wonder what was the point of waking up that morning and existing in a world that I don’t even really feel a part of.

On a regular basis, questions race through my head like: “What did I do today that had any meaning?” “What steps did I make today towards living out my purpose?” “Do I even know what my purpose is?” “Do I even have a purpose?” And my spirit is further disturbed with crazy thoughts like: “God has to be disappointed with me.” “God can’t keep forgiving me.” “I don’t deserve God’s love.” And I said “crazy” thoughts, because I know deep down inside God doesn’t view me in the negative way I view myself. I know that God loves me even when I find it hard to love myself. I know that as long as I repent, God will continually forgive. I know that I have a purpose. I know that my life has meaning. I know all these things because it’s all written in His word, and His word is the truth. I just have to allow myself to wholeheartedly accept it all – His word, His love, His forgiveness, His purpose for my life.

I’ve come to the point where I’m simply just tired. I’m tired spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I’m tired of just merely existing; I want to live and live freely and authentically. And I know that there’s a lot of “stuff” I have to deal with in order to achieve that authentic freedom.

Since I was a child, I’ve always been known to be quiet and would never really talk; but, when I was little, I discovered that I could have a voice through writing. As I share my thoughts, feelings, and experiences on this blog for anyone and everyone to read all about it, I hope that I begin to find and strengthen my voice and myself. For pretty much as long as I can remember, I have let my past and just the different circumstances of life silence me and keep me from truly living. I’m praying that this blog will serve as a source of healing and breakthrough not only for me but for anyone else who may come across it.

   The word of the Lord came to me, saying,